The drama, oh the drama

Is it because her brother is going to school now, too? Perhaps. Is it because yesterday was the first day back to school after 2 weeks of vacation? Possibly. Is it because she found out that her brother only goes to school for half a day and she is there a full day? That's a good possibility. Whatever it is, whatever set her off this morning, Maya was out of control and in full drama mode.

Now, I don't like to make mention of her drama and I would never, ever refer to her as a Sarah Bernhardt- even if it was true- because I don't want to perpetuate her behavior, nor do I want her to have to sit in therapy someday talking about the times she really, really needed me to listen to her and all I could do was brush her off and call her names. I've got the market cornered on that pitiful tale and there are at least 3 people in the world right now who could finish my classic rant almost verbatim I've recapitulated it so often. OK, to be fair- I rarely "recap." I prefer complete repetition.

So why was my daughter stricken with tears that, according to her, "she could not stop" or why is it that she refused to use the potty or that she only wanted Daddy when on any other day I have to practically wear a chastity belt to keep her from climbing back into my uterus? Who knows. The important question is how do we handle it? How do Steve and I deal with this behavior? Because guess what? I *really* don't want to fuck up my children. That's a whole lot easier said than done.

I could see it in her eyes and sense it in her voice. She gets it from me. She's heard me. She's seen me cry uncontrollably, scream at Steve, slam doors, scream with such utter desperation- the scream you think you'd scream if ever you were to come across the dead body of a loved one. She's seen me break down all too often and she's witnessed the aftermath. But how she processes what happens in my most panicked times, what she sees and what she understands and how she interprets the wrap-up of one of my attacks, is only a perception- that of a 4 year-old child. All she can really grasp, I can only guess, is that Daddy hugs Mommy and Mommy eventually stops crying. Stands to reason then that she would cry to get what she wants. Why she would scream, "I don't feel well" or " I need a hug I'm sick" doesn't it?

If it were only that simple. If only.

So, as one might have guessed from my last post, these are desperate times and I am determined to make 2010 the year I get my shit together. The year I work on ME so that I can save my children before they realize they need saving. The last year before I turn 40. This is my year, my time to shine again. My time to find joy in what I do or find something else to do. My time to prioritize, and I am starting with my children.

So what happened you ask? Or maybe you don't because, let's face it, no one reads this but me. Well, I looked at her and told her that she had the power to stop crying if she wanted to. She could make the choice to have a happy day or a sad day. She could go to school and think of all the things she likes to do there and think of her friends that she will see or she could go to school with tears and sadness. But either way, she was going to school. Then I wiped her tears, helped her with her coat and bid her farewell and wished for her to have a "good day."

Seems rather cold, doesn't it? Unlike the 2 versions of Mommy she usually gets. Version "A" Mommy commiserates and understands and says how she knows what it's like to feel so sad and that "I know you can't stop crying Maya, I know you can't stop those tears, I know you are sad." Version "A" Mommy is an enabler. Version "B" Mommy gets instantly frustrated and screams about "how lucky" she is to have a school to go to and that she should "suck it up" because the world is not going to cater to her every whim and that "Mommy wishes she had HALF of what YOU have" and how spoiled she is for not appreciating it. Version "B" Mommy is panicked Mommy who only manages to cause more tears and, if left alone with her children long enough, causes at least one child to scream and hit and the other to most likely vomit.

Then Mommy "B" hides and screams and sobs over her failures.

Today was Mommy "C." I don't know who or what Mommy "C' is yet. Mommy "C" was determined to have both children go to school so she could get back to working on herself. So, I guess Mommy "C" is a bit selfish. But Mommy "C" just had breakfast, made a new blog entry and received a text from Daddy reporting that both children calmed down in the car and were dropped off at school with no tears. Mommy "C" feels OK right now.

Rock on Mommy "C."